After this whirlwind trip of mine, I was tired. I guess I was tired well before I took the trip. Really, I hadn’t slept a full night since early December, over two months. There had been so much on my mind. My divorce, my inheritance, and my investments. And really, these kept me up. I guess especially the investments. I was learning and I made my share of mistakes. But I would like to think that I learned from them. One thing that I was doing was that I was watching the market constantly all day long and I was watching my individual stocks. It just made it easy to make impulsive decisions about buying and selling.
One of the things that I learned was the Mutual Funds did not show price changes during the day. If you issued a buy or sell order you did not see anything happen until after the end of the day's sale. This meant that it was pointless the watch the market all day long. You really only needed to look once, in the late afternoon or early evening. The other thing is that Mutual Funds own a basket of investments. After establishing some basic criteria, I selected 8 funds. My criteria was to have consistent Morningstar four or five star ratings, and to have at least 4 degrees of separation between risk level and return level (there are five levels for each). This meant either high return and below average risk or above average return and low risk. I actually found one fund that was all five star rated and was High Return and Low Risk - 5 degrees of separation. So I invested in these and decided that all I really needed to do was to watch for changes in their ratings.
When I got back from the trip, I slept. A LOT. Even now, three weeks later, I am sleeping a lot. 10 to 12 hours per day on average. I feel myself slowly becoming alive, though.
And I have started to have some realizations, mostly about my ex-wife, but perhaps about my life in general.
The two main aspects of my personality, the Director, and the Explorer, are quick to make decisions. The Explorer, I think, makes them and doesn’t really care about consequences. It’s about what the Explorer wants to do. The Director makes the decision based on the best available facts and evidence, and then acts. The Director acts with commitment, at least up until the Director feels that the plan will be fulfilled. The Director gets the ball rolling, then lets in roll. I think this plays in very well (and occasionally disastrously) with the Explorer’s nonchalance about it. I think “Que Sera, Sera,” is the Explorer’s favorite expression.
My ex-wife, the Negotiator, is not so quick to make decisions, and so, she questions mine. Now I admit that this often is a good thing, at least in theory. But it only really works well, before I make the decision. The problem is that she always questions my decisions even after I make them. And keeps questioning them, really, until I back away from them. This causes me to have a great deal of uncertainty in my life. I am less and less sure of myself. My life is thrown into turmoil. And I guess, in many ways, this is what makes me feel dead inside.
Add to that it is all very, very, mentally and emotionally exhausting. It wears me out. Many times I make a decision, she talks me out of it, and a few days later I do it anyway. Generally, once I make the decision, I don’t look back. I don’t regret. What’s the point? If you really feel that you made your decision based on the best evidence you had at the time, what would change? Yes, often it is made on feelings. But your feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. So, you made a decision on how you felt then. Not now. Do you feel different now? That is called life. Things change and there is nothing you can do about it. Regrets don’t make things better. Try to learn. Perhaps you overlooked something. Perhaps you feel you should have waited a day to think about things. These are things that you must learn for yourself.
The other thing about my ex-wife is that she is very insecure. And these insecurities also really affect me in a negative way. Mostly it is just so emotionally demanding to try to calm her fears and never succeed.
But she is a good person and she is good to me. And in many ways, for me. It is a real difficulty. And so, here I sit, feeling lost. Not so much lost, I guess, but that I don’t know where to go or what to do and I feel myself sliding into a rut that will be very hard to get out of. I NEED to go somewhere and do something. But where?